Why BDSM makes relationships better

My thesis: Incorporating BDSM into your relationship will make it better. This post is not based on any kind of empirical research — there is, as yet, very little in the way of deep study of people who engage in BDSM, although, I offer my services if anyone is interested in trying to design a study. (Longitudinal! Ethnically diverse! Large sample size! Survey pro dommes who are also psychotherapists!)

This assertion is only based on my own experience and my observation of other people’s experience. Here’s why BDSM makes relationships better: because you’re actually talking about what you want in bed. And by extension, what you want in a relationship.

I think that everyone, regardless of length of time together or seriousness of commitment, should make it clear to their partner or partners what their expectations are. How they need to be loved. How they understand their role in the relationship. Might sound unromantic, but what is more unromantic than ending up in divorce court or worse on Maury Povich?

The negotiation

Before a session, I always have a talk with my pet/sissy/bottom about what he wants. (I am heterosexual.) We talk explicitly about what he doesn’t want to have happen (usually involving pissing/shitting) and what he would like to have happen (edging, CBT, spanking, etc.). We also discuss the things he might like to try but is a little afraid of. We also talk about warning words/phrases that mean he wants to slow down and safe words/phrases that mean he wants to stop.

This negotiation has a couple of benefits: 1) It ensures his and my psychological safety, so that I do not violate a boundary he has. 2) It highlights what turns him on and the outcome that he’s looking for, so I can enhance the experience.

I do this sort of negotiation every time, in person and on the phone. (Oh, you didn’t know you could call me? You can call me at 1-800-TO-FLIRT [1-800-863-5478] ext: 11893512 during my normally scheduled hours. My current schedule is on the homepage.) You might be surprised I would do this over the phone, but being the emotional creatures we are, I wouldn’t want to violate anyone’s boundary in any way, especially with my words.

How to have a negotiation

You might have experience with trying to incorporate BDSM without discussing it beforehand. Perhaps you spanked her unprompted and it killed the mood. Maybe you wrapped your hand around her neck when you were in doggystyle and she freaked out. (Note to readers: do not, do not, do not put your hands around someone’s neck/throat without their explicit spoken permission.) In bed is not the time to introduce BDSM play to your partner. Because of your aroused state, it will be more traumatic and be more emotionally harmful than you might have even realized if it is not something your partner wants.

Do not, do not, do not introduce something in the heat of the moment. Because many women have a history of sexual trauma, it can feel coercive if you’re introducing something BDSM-related in the middle of being naked. It might be shocking to the straight men out there just how many women have been in situations in which they were coerced or pressured into doing something they weren’t ready for. So if you care about your partner’s psychological well-being, take care by introducing the topic while you’re both relaxed, well fed, and not trying to get each other aroused. This applies to partnerships of any orientation. Side benefit of this sort of discussion is that it can lead to some pretty hot sex, but first, the actual talking.

Pick a time, like a Sunday breakfast at home, when both of you are rested, relaxed and well fed. It bears repeating: do not have this discussion first thing when you get home and are trying to get dinner on the table. It will not go well. Tell your partner you’ve been thinking about some new sexual activities that you would like to try. Be specific and explicit. What acts? How long? Would you be the submissive or the dominant? Or would you switch roles? Ask for her feedback and find out what she might be willing to try. If your partner is completely unwilling to try anything that you propose, then I suggest that you open up the discussion further to other issues. An unwillingness to be open usually signals that there’s something more troubling going on in your relationship beyond your sex life. Generally speaking, if someone doesn’t feel loved, cared for, respected or heard, they will be unwilling to try the things that you suggest. If you care about the health of your partnership, it will probably benefit you to speak up. Also, start out mild. You hopefully know your partner well and will know what she considers mild, sexually speaking. You don’t want to go straight to picking out the dungeon furniture.

For casual partners

What if you’re not long-term committed partners? Your discussion should still include a lot of the same elements. I do suggest that you have vanilla sex before you have kinky sex (vanilla being defined as mainstream sex acts such as frottage, oral sex, and vaginal sex). That way you get to know each other’s bodies in a good way.

The conversation should include discussions about what acts you are and aren’t willing to do, what she is or isn’t willing to do, what roles you want to take on, and what performing those roles means to each of you. You should also discuss whether you want to extend your role playing beyond the bedroom, and even if that’s feasible for you. This can be something as simple as sending her an email during work hours that details just how you long to submit to her.

Is this for you?

Finally, I have to say that kinky is in the eye of the beholder. When I was young, oral sex wasn’t considered kinky. Then I read a romance novel that had older characters who reminisced about how they were really really shy about doing that when they were young. So, it’s a generational thing.

All this is to say that I do think kink is for most people, because something you learn in sex work is that people are kinky as hell, they’re just not willing to admit it to their partners, and certainly not to their friends. In most cases, I think that you should indulge your desires (unless of course, your desire hurts someone, and I’m not necessarily talking about sadism). Bringing up your desires to your partner can only be of benefit to your relationship and can open up some new ways to explore with a partner by your side.