You’ve Just Realized You’re a Submissive. Now What?

Congratulations, submissive! 

No, seriously. I want to thank you for coming to the party. Or, not coming, as it were. 

You are a man, straight or bisexual, who has finally admitted to himself that he wants to be submissive to a woman. This is a beautiful, beautiful thing to finally realize. It’s a big step, and not one that should be taken lightly. In case you didn’t grow up in western culture, men are supposed to be dominant — they’re supposed to dominate others and win and all that stuff that goes along with domination. 

So what is a man to do when he realizes that he’s no longer in thrall to this dominant paradigm and instead realizes he wants to kneel in front of a woman who will take over? 

A little exploration

And what to do? No, not panic, explore. (If you want to panic, that’s fine, but there is probably some emotional stuff that you will want to sort out before you go down this road. I will likely cover that in a future blog post.) You want to explore. First, write a list of the things you might like to try. Do you want to try face sitting? Do you just want to be spanked? Do you want to be pegged? Do you want your balls to be crushed under a stiletto heel? (I have lots of experience in all those areas and enjoy every single one.) If you’re on Fetlife, you can search by fetishes and find out all the delightful things that you could be into. 

Instructions for self-exploration

Better yet, you can do a little self-exploration. It is my observation that most men, especially straight men, are out of touch with their bodies except for when it comes to their cock. They don’t really know what turns them on in terms of touch, pressure, pace, texture, and so many other factors. They have no idea whether their nipples are sensitive, and haven’t given much thought to what feels really good. 

To do this self-exploration, you will want to have a little bit of time to yourself, maybe an hour, where you can just lie on the bed and be naked to touch yourself in sensual ways to discover what you really like. Then, besides a little time, you’ll want to get a feather, a Wartenburg wheel, some silk or rayon fabric, maybe some ice cubes. For the especially studious ones, you can have a pen and a pad of paper to write notes. 

Start naked or nearly naked and laying on your bed, face up. Starting with the feather, move it very slowly over your body, touching yourself lightly on the neck, then your chest, nipples, stomach, other arm, over your cock, and over your legs. If you have the shoulder flexibility, flip over and brush the feather over the backs of your legs, your ass and your back. I want you to notice exactly how each of those  areas feels under the feather. If none of it felt good, note that and move onto the fabric. It’s important to go slowly so that you can cement in your mind, oh that felt good, or eh, not so much. Notice these things because you can then tell your partner or future partners about the areas that you found especially arousing — a key ingredient for future sexual playing. Also, make sure that you’re breathing normally. If this kind of self-exploration is not something you do normally, you might be anxious and thus hold your breath. Don’t do that. Your body likes oxygen. 

Then repeat the process with the Wartenburg wheel and the ice cubes. Again, it’s important to go slow and it’s important to note exactly what you liked and didn’t like. A note of caution: Be extremely gentle when using the Wartenburg wheel as some have sharper points than others, and it would be a real party foul to pierce your skin when you were just trying to have a good time. Unless, of course, you find that’s a fetish, and then just make sure to have bandages and Neosporin nearby. 

If you want to explore anal play, then start out slowly, get some nitrile gloves and use lots of lube. I explain how in this blog post. 

A word about porn

Finally, a word about porn. I love porn in general, and this is not a knock against it, it’s just a reminder that porn is entertainment, not education. Let me say that again: porn is entertainment, not education. Please do not watch femdom porn and attempt to recreate it. First, every BDSM session needs to start with the negotiation — i.e. the acts that are hard limits, the things that the sub definitely wants to do, and the things that he/she may want to do as well as safe words, all those good things. This section is omitted from a lot of videos because it’s just not cinematic. Secondly, the actors/models in the videos are generally being paid to appear in the video and so know what to expect. There are a lot of things that they do within the video that they make look easy but are not in real life. Case in point: sliding a big dildo into an ass. Doesn’t matter if it’s a male, female or trans ass, it’s going to be tight the first time unless that asshole has been trained to stretch, and even then it might be challenging. 

Again, congratulations. This is just the start of a journey that can open up all kinds of sexual horizons and start the next chapter in your sexual exploration.